The Niceness Trap: Why Playing It Safe Can Undermine Trust

The Problem with “Nice

"Be nice" is such a common instruction—so seemingly harmless and virtuous—that it feels strange to question it. Given the increasing levels of animosity and belligerence in public discourse, wouldn't the world benefit from a little more niceness?

Actually, no.

Nice is not the antidote to mean-spirited, selfish, or toxic behavior. Nice is a facade—a socially sanctioned, surface-level mask of politeness that often conceals self-preservation, avoidance, or even arrogance. Nice pushes conflict under the rug, hoping it will simply disappear. Nice convinces everyone (including ourselves) that everything is fine when, in reality, important issues remain unaddressed.
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The real antidote to niceness is not being a jerk—it’s courage. And the opposite of being a jerk is not niceness—it’s kindness, empathy, and presence.

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When Niceness Becomes a Problem

Many teams we work with are full of very nice people. On the surface, they are civil and well-behaved. But their commitment to harmony means they avoid difficult conversations, sidestep conflict, and hesitate to provide honest feedback. Nice is focused on maintaining the status quo.

When a group is overly (or unconsciously) committed to avoiding discomfort—whether it’s the discomfort of change, disagreement, disappointment, or loss—they stifle creativity, growth, and progress. Those things are inherently messy. Growth means disruption. Change brings uncertainty. Creativity, by its nature, invites unpredictability. And all of that can feel... not nice.

We once worked with an executive leadership team where two key leaders hadn’t spoken to each other for over five years. There was a full-blown cold war between their departments. Everyone knew about it, but no one talked about it. And yet, the executives were all very nice.

In teams fueled by a culture of niceness, the tough stuff comes out in indirect and sometimes destructive ways:

• Through passive-aggressive comments in meetingsIn anonymous employee surveys
• Gossip or complaining to ones team - effectively spreading the toxicity
• In exit interviews
• ​On Glassdoor reviews and social media posts

Nobody speaks up in the moment because nobody wants to risk being "not nice." But the resentments and frustrations linger, poisoning collaboration and stifling innovation. Honest communication disappears, and teams waste valuable time trying to decipher what’s really going on.

What to Do Instead

1. Distinguish Kindness from Niceness
Being kind is courageous and heartful. It is rooted in genuine care, empathy, and connection. Kindness is honest. It does not shy away from the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. It takes vulnerability to care about someone and have difficult conversations with them.

Many people fear that if they remove the mask of niceness, they will become mean or destructive. But the alternative to nice isn’t cruel—it’s courageous. It takes courage to trust your instincts, to speak up, and to challenge the status quo.

2. Develop a Tolerance for Rocking the Boat
On the water, seasickness is a symptom of inexperience. The more time you spend at sea, the more stable your sea legs become. The same principle applies in teams. At first, uncertainty, discomfort, and disagreement may feel destabilizing. But over time, a team that practices honest, respectful dialogue becomes more resilient. Conflict, when handled well, is not a problem—it’s a sign of engagement, realness, collaboration and commitment.

3. Create Safe Ways to Speak the Truth 
Most teams breathe a sigh of relief when they finally have a space to share concerns, fears, mistakes, and lessons learned. It’s freeing. A culture that welcomes truth-telling prevents toxic undercurrents from festering.

4. Cultivate Empathy
Empathy is a human capacity that we all possess but may not use enough. When you can genuinely care about another person, you see that being honest with them is an act of kindness.

Empathy does not mean avoiding direct feedback or tough conversations. It means delivering them with care and intention. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to tell someone the truth—even if it’s uncomfortable.

The Magic Formula:
​Kindness + Courage + High Standards

So, the next time someone urges you to "be nice," take a deep breath and ask yourself: What would be the kind, courageous thing to do? What feels uncomfortable but right?

One of the hallmarks of a truly safe environment is people’s willingness to engage in healthy debate about tough topics. The best, most effective teams talk about real issues. They argue constructively, challenge assumptions, and refine their plans through open discussion. They don’t settle for surface-level consensus or political maneuvering.
In these cultures, people hold themselves and each other accountable. They admit mistakes, challenge ideas, and work toward the best possible solutions.

We often (half) jokingly describe our work as "helping teams learn to fight well." The strongest teams are those that can engage in honest, respectful debate while maintaining deep trust and a shared sense of purpose. It’s not always pretty, but it’s real. And it works.

At Aurum, we genuinely care about everyone on our team. They are extraordinary people. But we also debate, challenge each other, and disagree. And yes, we’ve had to let people go when they weren’t a good fit. But all of this happens within a culture of deep respect and a commitment to a shared vision.

When teams and organizations master this balance—learning how to be kind and supportive while also being honest, direct, and committed to high standards—they unlock their full potential. And that’s where the real magic happens.

Teach Courageous Communication skills to your entire organization!

Everything we describe in this blog post can be taught.
We were not good at it in the early days of our careers, but we have becomes masters of having tough conversations that often feel kind and supportive. 

We teach the building blocks of courageous, kind, open communication to teams, leaders and entire organizations as part of our COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION Program. We combine embodied practice with a practical step-by-step roadmap to support clarity and connection. 

Let's talk about ways to support your team to be less 'nice' and more kind, connected, honest and highly effective. Schedule a free consultation.