“I’m fed up! That’s what went through my head as I gathered the water bottles, snacks and gear for a day out with my 84-year-old mother and 9-year old son. I was dreading a day full of bickering, whining (“I’m SOOOOOOOOO boooooored!”) and juggling the needs of two very strong-willed, and very different, people. My mom had flown across the world to spend this holiday week with us… we were heading to a beautiful national park… and I was already exhausted. This was not a good start. As I felt myself galvanizing my inner manager (aka control freak) to plan a strategy for how to ‘manage’ them, I realized that I was working way too hard–and assuming I was solely responsible for how the day would go. The weight on my shoulders was way heavier than that backpack. “I have coached so many people through this”, I said to myself. “And, I actually have a whole toolkit, goddamit. Let’s use it!” So, I put down the backpack, found a piece of paper and pen, gathered them round, and dove right in... “I’ve realized that I am doing a lot of emotional labor over here, trying to juggle everybody’s different needs and rhythms. It’s exhausting and no fun for me. So, we’re gonna do something different. We are 3 people of different ages, physical ability and interests, who want to have a good time and enjoy this day together. I want all of us to take ownership for how it goes." I then asked them to name what would make this a great day for them. At first, my mom rolled her eyes; my son sighed (here goes mom, again!); they shuffled in their seats. I insisted - “This is your day. What do you want it to be? No practicalities, only intention and vision.” My son spoke first. “I want to feel free to move how I want.” Then grandma chimed in, “Me too! I want to be able to go at my own pace, without being reprimanded or teased.” They each continued to share what they wanted… “I want to be together, and feel connected”, “I want lots of laughter”, “I want quiet time to connect with nature.” Interestingly, as they pointed out, they both had very similar items on their lists… and they spoke honestly and even vulnerably about what they care about, and what they don’t like. “Can we pleeeeaaase not stop to take a photo of every single tree?” Then we spoke about conflict. It’s great that they want to move at their own pace, but in reality, my son is a speed demon, while my mom likes to sniff every flower. “What will we do when we need and want different things? When we’re annoyed? How will we resolve that?” Hmmmmm… After some thinking, they went on to agree that in moments of conflict there would be: NO heart attacks, NO tantrums, and NO teasing. Progress! Then we got to flesh out more of what we DO want, and we got practical… Instead of stopping to take a photo every 2 minutes, we agreed to less frequent, but longer breaks. We figured out a pacing system with freedom to move, and agreed-upon touch points. We underlined respect, laughter, and finding solutions together. My son insisted on hearing my needs as well, and scribed my words dutifully in his elegant 3rd grade handwriting (bonus points for spelling “cooperation” right!). When we stood up half an hour after we’d begun, they were proud. We had a plan. We were connected. We were going on an adventure–together. I put on my backpack, which had miraculously lost 50 pounds, and headed out to the forest awaiting us. Hours later, between bites of his ginormous burger, my son looked up at his grandma. "Hey, did you notice that we didn’t fight at all today?” She grinned back, and they high-fived each other in celebration. I took another sip of chardonnay, and chuckled to myself as I recalled all the CEOs, teams and leaders I had walked through this process with. I leaned back, looking out at the evening sunshine pouring through the treetops and pat myself on the back. Yep, sometimes it is good to bring work home ;-).  A photo of all of all of us in the woods :)
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The Problem with “Nice  "Be nice" is such a common instruction—so seemingly harmless and virtuous—that it feels strange to question it. Given the increasing levels of animosity and belligerence in public discourse, wouldn't the world benefit from a little more niceness? Actually, no. Nice is not the antidote to mean-spirited, selfish, or toxic behavior. Nice is a facade—a socially sanctioned, surface-level mask of politeness that often conceals self-preservation, avoidance, or even arrogance. Nice pushes conflict under the rug, hoping it will simply disappear. Nice convinces everyone (including ourselves) that everything is fine when, in reality, important issues remain unaddressed. The real antidote to niceness is not being a jerk—it’s courage. And the opposite of being a jerk is not niceness—it’s kindness, empathy, and presence. When Niceness Becomes a ProblemMany teams we work with are full of very nice people. On the surface, they are civil and well-behaved. But their commitment to harmony means they avoid difficult conversations, sidestep conflict, and hesitate to provide honest feedback. Nice is focused on maintaining the status quo. When a group is overly (or unconsciously) committed to avoiding discomfort—whether it’s the discomfort of change, disagreement, disappointment, or loss—they stifle creativity, growth, and progress. Those things are inherently messy. Growth means disruption. Change brings uncertainty. Creativity, by its nature, invites unpredictability. And all of that can feel... not nice. We once worked with an executive leadership team where two key leaders hadn’t spoken to each other for over five years. There was a full-blown cold war between their departments. Everyone knew about it, but no one talked about it. And yet, the executives were all very nice. In teams fueled by a culture of niceness, the tough stuff comes out in indirect and sometimes destructive ways:
Nobody speaks up in the moment because nobody wants to risk being "not nice." But the resentments and frustrations linger, poisoning collaboration and stifling innovation. Honest communication disappears, and teams waste valuable time trying to decipher what’s really going on. What to Do Instead1. Distinguish Kindness from Niceness Being kind is courageous and heartful. It is rooted in genuine care, empathy, and connection. Kindness is honest. It does not shy away from the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. It takes vulnerability to care about someone and have difficult conversations with them. Many people fear that if they remove the mask of niceness, they will become mean or destructive. But the alternative to nice isn’t cruel—it’s courageous. It takes courage to trust your instincts, to speak up, and to challenge the status quo. 2. Develop a Tolerance for Rocking the Boat On the water, seasickness is a symptom of inexperience. The more time you spend at sea, the more stable your sea legs become. The same principle applies in teams. At first, uncertainty, discomfort, and disagreement may feel destabilizing. But over time, a team that practices honest, respectful dialogue becomes more resilient. Conflict, when handled well, is not a problem—it’s a sign of engagement, realness, collaboration and commitment. 3. Create Safe Ways to Speak the Truth Most teams breathe a sigh of relief when they finally have a space to share concerns, fears, mistakes, and lessons learned. It’s freeing. A culture that welcomes truth-telling prevents toxic undercurrents from festering. 4. Cultivate Empathy Empathy is a human capacity that we all possess but may not use enough. When you can genuinely care about another person, you see that being honest with them is an act of kindness. Empathy does not mean avoiding direct feedback or tough conversations. It means delivering them with care and intention. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to tell someone the truth—even if it’s uncomfortable. The Magic Formula: |
AuthorsDevi Cavitt Razo and Deepika Sheleff are co-founders of Aurum Leadership. They are also close friends who have dedicated their lives to creating powerful, honest, resilient relationships. 
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