“I’m fed up! That’s what went through my head as I gathered the water bottles, snacks and gear for a day out with my 84-year-old mother and 9-year old son. I was dreading a day full of bickering, whining (“I’m SOOOOOOOOO boooooored!”) and juggling the needs of two very strong-willed, and very different, people. My mom had flown across the world to spend this holiday week with us… we were heading to a beautiful national park… and I was already exhausted. This was not a good start. As I felt myself galvanizing my inner manager (aka control freak) to plan a strategy for how to ‘manage’ them, I realized that I was working way too hard–and assuming I was solely responsible for how the day would go. The weight on my shoulders was way heavier than that backpack. “I have coached so many people through this”, I said to myself. “And, I actually have a whole toolkit, goddamit. Let’s use it!” So, I put down the backpack, found a piece of paper and pen, gathered them round, and dove right in... “I’ve realized that I am doing a lot of emotional labor over here, trying to juggle everybody’s different needs and rhythms. It’s exhausting and no fun for me. So, we’re gonna do something different. We are 3 people of different ages, physical ability and interests, who want to have a good time and enjoy this day together. I want all of us to take ownership for how it goes." I then asked them to name what would make this a great day for them. At first, my mom rolled her eyes; my son sighed (here goes mom, again!); they shuffled in their seats. I insisted - “This is your day. What do you want it to be? No practicalities, only intention and vision.” My son spoke first. “I want to feel free to move how I want.” Then grandma chimed in, “Me too! I want to be able to go at my own pace, without being reprimanded or teased.” They each continued to share what they wanted… “I want to be together, and feel connected”, “I want lots of laughter”, “I want quiet time to connect with nature.” Interestingly, as they pointed out, they both had very similar items on their lists… and they spoke honestly and even vulnerably about what they care about, and what they don’t like. “Can we pleeeeaaase not stop to take a photo of every single tree?” Then we spoke about conflict. It’s great that they want to move at their own pace, but in reality, my son is a speed demon, while my mom likes to sniff every flower. “What will we do when we need and want different things? When we’re annoyed? How will we resolve that?” Hmmmmm… After some thinking, they went on to agree that in moments of conflict there would be: NO heart attacks, NO tantrums, and NO teasing. Progress! Then we got to flesh out more of what we DO want, and we got practical… Instead of stopping to take a photo every 2 minutes, we agreed to less frequent, but longer breaks. We figured out a pacing system with freedom to move, and agreed-upon touch points. We underlined respect, laughter, and finding solutions together. My son insisted on hearing my needs as well, and scribed my words dutifully in his elegant 3rd grade handwriting (bonus points for spelling “cooperation” right!). When we stood up half an hour after we’d begun, they were proud. We had a plan. We were connected. We were going on an adventure–together. I put on my backpack, which had miraculously lost 50 pounds, and headed out to the forest awaiting us. Hours later, between bites of his ginormous burger, my son looked up at his grandma. "Hey, did you notice that we didn’t fight at all today?” She grinned back, and they high-fived each other in celebration. I took another sip of chardonnay, and chuckled to myself as I recalled all the CEOs, teams and leaders I had walked through this process with. I leaned back, looking out at the evening sunshine pouring through the treetops and pat myself on the back. Yep, sometimes it is good to bring work home ;-).  A photo of all of all of us in the woods :)
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What they don't tell you when you get that promotion...We often think of leadership as something that is given to us – as a job, a position, a role that gives us permission to lead others. In reality, merely getting the new office or job title rarely provides the secret sauce that creates instant authority and respect. When someone gets promoted or hired into a leadership role, they often focus on their areas of responsibility and the task at hand. But over time, they begin to wonder whether or not they are actually being effective as leaders.
Think of yourself at work, especially when you are new to the role. Do people listen to you? Are your suggestions being respected and followed? Do you get bogged down in itty bitty details? What is your level of stress? Are you always right? Are your team members honest with you about their mistakes and learning? The answers to these questions aren’t found in your job description. It has nothing to do with being in technology, construction, education or finance, or even your title, but it does have something to do with YOU. What people respond to the most is the quality of your Inner Leadership. Here are the 8 keys to activating your Inner Leadership: |
AuthorsDevi Cavitt Razo and Deepika Sheleff are co-founders of Aurum Leadership. They are also close friends who have dedicated their lives to creating powerful, honest, resilient relationships. 
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