The Problem with “Nice  "Be nice" is such a common instruction—so seemingly harmless and virtuous—that it feels strange to question it. Given the increasing levels of animosity and belligerence in public discourse, wouldn't the world benefit from a little more niceness? Actually, no. Nice is not the antidote to mean-spirited, selfish, or toxic behavior. Nice is a facade—a socially sanctioned, surface-level mask of politeness that often conceals self-preservation, avoidance, or even arrogance. Nice pushes conflict under the rug, hoping it will simply disappear. Nice convinces everyone (including ourselves) that everything is fine when, in reality, important issues remain unaddressed. The real antidote to niceness is not being a jerk—it’s courage. And the opposite of being a jerk is not niceness—it’s kindness, empathy, and presence. When Niceness Becomes a ProblemMany teams we work with are full of very nice people. On the surface, they are civil and well-behaved. But their commitment to harmony means they avoid difficult conversations, sidestep conflict, and hesitate to provide honest feedback. Nice is focused on maintaining the status quo. When a group is overly (or unconsciously) committed to avoiding discomfort—whether it’s the discomfort of change, disagreement, disappointment, or loss—they stifle creativity, growth, and progress. Those things are inherently messy. Growth means disruption. Change brings uncertainty. Creativity, by its nature, invites unpredictability. And all of that can feel... not nice. We once worked with an executive leadership team where two key leaders hadn’t spoken to each other for over five years. There was a full-blown cold war between their departments. Everyone knew about it, but no one talked about it. And yet, the executives were all very nice. In teams fueled by a culture of niceness, the tough stuff comes out in indirect and sometimes destructive ways:
Nobody speaks up in the moment because nobody wants to risk being "not nice." But the resentments and frustrations linger, poisoning collaboration and stifling innovation. Honest communication disappears, and teams waste valuable time trying to decipher what’s really going on. What to Do Instead1. Distinguish Kindness from Niceness Being kind is courageous and heartful. It is rooted in genuine care, empathy, and connection. Kindness is honest. It does not shy away from the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. It takes vulnerability to care about someone and have difficult conversations with them. Many people fear that if they remove the mask of niceness, they will become mean or destructive. But the alternative to nice isn’t cruel—it’s courageous. It takes courage to trust your instincts, to speak up, and to challenge the status quo. 2. Develop a Tolerance for Rocking the Boat On the water, seasickness is a symptom of inexperience. The more time you spend at sea, the more stable your sea legs become. The same principle applies in teams. At first, uncertainty, discomfort, and disagreement may feel destabilizing. But over time, a team that practices honest, respectful dialogue becomes more resilient. Conflict, when handled well, is not a problem—it’s a sign of engagement, realness, collaboration and commitment. 3. Create Safe Ways to Speak the Truth Most teams breathe a sigh of relief when they finally have a space to share concerns, fears, mistakes, and lessons learned. It’s freeing. A culture that welcomes truth-telling prevents toxic undercurrents from festering. 4. Cultivate Empathy Empathy is a human capacity that we all possess but may not use enough. When you can genuinely care about another person, you see that being honest with them is an act of kindness. Empathy does not mean avoiding direct feedback or tough conversations. It means delivering them with care and intention. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to tell someone the truth—even if it’s uncomfortable. The Magic Formula: |
AuthorsDevi Cavitt Razo and Deepika Sheleff are co-founders of Aurum Leadership. They are also close friends who have dedicated their lives to creating powerful, honest, resilient relationships. 
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