The Problem with “Nice  "Be nice" is such a common instruction—so seemingly harmless and virtuous—that it feels strange to question it. Given the increasing levels of animosity and belligerence in public discourse, wouldn't the world benefit from a little more niceness? Actually, no. Nice is not the antidote to mean-spirited, selfish, or toxic behavior. Nice is a facade—a socially sanctioned, surface-level mask of politeness that often conceals self-preservation, avoidance, or even arrogance. Nice pushes conflict under the rug, hoping it will simply disappear. Nice convinces everyone (including ourselves) that everything is fine when, in reality, important issues remain unaddressed. The real antidote to niceness is not being a jerk—it’s courage. And the opposite of being a jerk is not niceness—it’s kindness, empathy, and presence. When Niceness Becomes a ProblemMany teams we work with are full of very nice people. On the surface, they are civil and well-behaved. But their commitment to harmony means they avoid difficult conversations, sidestep conflict, and hesitate to provide honest feedback. Nice is focused on maintaining the status quo. When a group is overly (or unconsciously) committed to avoiding discomfort—whether it’s the discomfort of change, disagreement, disappointment, or loss—they stifle creativity, growth, and progress. Those things are inherently messy. Growth means disruption. Change brings uncertainty. Creativity, by its nature, invites unpredictability. And all of that can feel... not nice. We once worked with an executive leadership team where two key leaders hadn’t spoken to each other for over five years. There was a full-blown cold war between their departments. Everyone knew about it, but no one talked about it. And yet, the executives were all very nice. In teams fueled by a culture of niceness, the tough stuff comes out in indirect and sometimes destructive ways:
Nobody speaks up in the moment because nobody wants to risk being "not nice." But the resentments and frustrations linger, poisoning collaboration and stifling innovation. Honest communication disappears, and teams waste valuable time trying to decipher what’s really going on. What to Do Instead1. Distinguish Kindness from Niceness Being kind is courageous and heartful. It is rooted in genuine care, empathy, and connection. Kindness is honest. It does not shy away from the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. It takes vulnerability to care about someone and have difficult conversations with them. Many people fear that if they remove the mask of niceness, they will become mean or destructive. But the alternative to nice isn’t cruel—it’s courageous. It takes courage to trust your instincts, to speak up, and to challenge the status quo. 2. Develop a Tolerance for Rocking the Boat On the water, seasickness is a symptom of inexperience. The more time you spend at sea, the more stable your sea legs become. The same principle applies in teams. At first, uncertainty, discomfort, and disagreement may feel destabilizing. But over time, a team that practices honest, respectful dialogue becomes more resilient. Conflict, when handled well, is not a problem—it’s a sign of engagement, realness, collaboration and commitment. 3. Create Safe Ways to Speak the Truth Most teams breathe a sigh of relief when they finally have a space to share concerns, fears, mistakes, and lessons learned. It’s freeing. A culture that welcomes truth-telling prevents toxic undercurrents from festering. 4. Cultivate Empathy Empathy is a human capacity that we all possess but may not use enough. When you can genuinely care about another person, you see that being honest with them is an act of kindness. Empathy does not mean avoiding direct feedback or tough conversations. It means delivering them with care and intention. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is to tell someone the truth—even if it’s uncomfortable. The Magic Formula: |
| We’ve met this version of ourselves on mountain tops, in meditation, in nature, in moments of profound clarity, or perhaps when in a state of creative flow. Some of us have met this version of ourselves through being stripped down to the core of who we are - through loss, grief or even recovery from trauma. We can say openly now, that many of us have met, or come to know, our True Self in the world of journeying with psychedelics. |  |
What if we told you that there is one secret ingredient that would dramatically improve your team’s performance, would eliminate hours of wasted time, and significantly reduce the energy spent on politics and drama? What if that ONE element required no advanced degrees or training, and could be added with simple steps that fit into your existing workflow.
Would you do it?
What they don't tell you when you get that promotion...
We often think of leadership as something that is given to us – as a job, a position, a role that gives us permission to lead others. In reality, merely getting the new office or job title rarely provides the secret sauce that creates instant authority and respect. When someone gets promoted or hired into a leadership role, they often focus on their areas of responsibility and the task at hand. But over time, they begin to wonder whether or not they are actually being effective as leaders.
Think of yourself at work, especially when you are new to the role. Do people listen to you? Are your suggestions being respected and followed? Do you get bogged down in itty bitty details? What is your level of stress? Are you always right? Are your team members honest with you about their mistakes and learning?
The answers to these questions aren’t found in your job description. It has nothing to do with being in technology, construction, education or finance, or even your title, but it does have something to do with YOU. What people respond to the most is the quality of your Inner Leadership.
Here are the 8 keys to activating your Inner Leadership:
Think of yourself at work, especially when you are new to the role. Do people listen to you? Are your suggestions being respected and followed? Do you get bogged down in itty bitty details? What is your level of stress? Are you always right? Are your team members honest with you about their mistakes and learning?
The answers to these questions aren’t found in your job description. It has nothing to do with being in technology, construction, education or finance, or even your title, but it does have something to do with YOU. What people respond to the most is the quality of your Inner Leadership.
Here are the 8 keys to activating your Inner Leadership:
Authors
Devi Cavitt Razo and Deepika Sheleff are co-founders of Aurum Leadership. They are also close friends who have dedicated their lives to creating powerful, honest, resilient relationships.
They provide insights and tools that support human connection, among individuals, teams and organizations. In doing so, organizations become more connected, collaborative, and, ultimately, successful.
Archives
March 2025
September 2023
June 2023
February 2023
January 2023
November 2022
September 2022
August 2022
Categories
All
Authenticity
Coaching
Communication
Conflict
Connection
Courage
Emotional Intelligence
Healthy Culture
High Performing Teams
High-performing Teams
Leadership
Love
Management
Relationships
True Self
Working Remotely
RSS Feed
